Ruba Aman
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a self-help book that explores ideas based on Adlerian psychology.
It is written in the form of a dialogue between a philosopher and a skeptical young man who has many doubts and worries, and the philosopher shares ideas from a type of psychology called Adlerian psychology, making complex ideas accessible and conversational. The conversation between them is for around five nights.
This book is all about how to live a happy and free life by not worrying about what others think of you.
There are so many important points, but I will mention a few of them because it\’s impossible to cover all points from a book. The main points which I learned from this book are as the following:
1. Trauma doesn\’t exist
Your past doesn\’t control you. You are not a victim of your past.
Happiness is something you choose for yourself. For being happy, it\’s not necessary to be rich, popular, or perfect. It\’s just about how you see your life. You can choose to be happy now, regardless of your circumstances.
2. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
Most of our anxieties and frustrations stem from how we compare, compete, and seek approval from others. Adlerian psychology posits that our difficulties arise from our relationships with others and our perception of those relationships.
It also teaches us that \”Don\’t try to please everyone.\” If you live your own way of life, definitely some people won\’t like it—but that\’s okay. You have to live your life in your own way no matter what other people think about you, and we don\’t need their approval.
3. Separation of tasks
Do what is your responsibility. Don\’t try to control things which you can\’t. Many problems come from interfering in others\’ tasks or letting others interfere in ours. You should learn to distinguish what\’s your task and what belongs to someone else.
4. You can change your life now
People use their \”past\” as an excuse not to change.
Adlerian psychology emphasizes that people live to achieve goals, not because of causes (like trauma).
5. Live for others — but not for praise
Help and care for other people, and definitely it feels good—not because you want attention or thanks or praise from someone else. Live for community feeling and contribute to others without expecting reward or praise from others.
6. Desire for recognition is a trap
Seeking recognition makes you dependent on others\’ judgments. Real freedom comes when you stop seeking approval from others and have the courage to be disliked for living true to your values.
The Courage to Be Disliked teaches that you can choose to be happy by being true to yourself, letting go of the need for approval, focusing only on what’s in your control, and helping others not because of praise or any kind of reward from others.
Ruba Aman is student of BS physics at Government Degree College Chitral (boys).